i miss you
i feel the lack of you
in my workday
in my life
i understand now
why you chose as you chose
and i chose as i chose
it doesn't hurt any less
you really broke my heart
i don't know if i ever told you
i just assumed you knew
i look you up from time to time
just to see what little
pieces of yourself
show up on the internet
without your putting them there
it's never much
i knew it wouldn't be
but it's enough
knowing you're alive still
except when it isn't
i don't even know why
i am writing this
it's not because i
actually think
there's room in my life
to invite you back
into correspondence
the way we were then
could never be
the ways we are now
i think i'm just
longing
for what i left behind
when i chose what i chose
and kept choosing it
and i value the experiences
the things i've seen
in people and places
i'd never have ventured
if i'd never whored around
embraced my nature
fully
and strove to make peace
with the parts of myself
other people disdained
who looks at a world
that tells them
to be all they can be
as long as it's decent
palatable
to the rest of us
be all you can be
terms and conditions apply
and we'll reward you
with awards
with a lucrative career
or at least a comfortable one
easy to explain
to the neighbors
sell your soul to us
accept our values
let us put
our words in your mouth
life will be so easy this way
you'll still struggle
it is life, after all
but the struggles will be manageable
palatable
polite dinner conversation
at worst, difficult dessert talks
with loved ones
who just want to see you win
who looks at what's on offer
and says nope
i have to do this other thing
this hard thing
this thing you won't want to look at
this thing you won't want to understand
i have to
it's insane
i've talked it over
dií táwlang éehl
with my closest
and they do their best
to support my choices
the ones who come closest
to seeing the vision
but mostly they don't get it
why i have to do
what i have to do
why i seek to change
what i seek to change
they tell me there's other ways
of going about the same goal
i see the variations
and there's an undercurrent
a continuous thread
running along underneath
a constant
that cannot be avoided
a truth
so obvious
to me at least
i don't know if you ever saw it
i don't know what you thought if you did
i don't remember us talking about it all that much
that thing i knew was wrong
about it all
that thing that i saw
we talked around it
certainly we talked around it
but did i ever tell you flat out?
or did i prefer to live in a fantasy
where we could be the way
i dreamed about us
when your fingertips
elongated
elegant
extended
brushed mine
for brief moments
when the mood struck you
and you yearned
to let me know
you were there
not how i wanted you to be
but there
just within reach
between the bars
of that odd prison
i woke up every day
and put myself in
i could have followed you
i could have tried your way
of being
would it have lasted?
could it have been
authentic?
accurate
could i have been myself
every part of myself
while taking your lead?
or would i have just
melting
became
hollowed
spiritually
magically
i am a slave
right now
as i type this
to you, john
i sold myself
truly
wrote the contract
i've before been legally
married
to others
twice before
but those relationships
were not like this
i set a time
i set the terms
i watched
the way i changed
i don't believe
i could never have
anticipated
what this process
this unfolding
cemented understanding
awareness
if you're actually reading this
i must confess
i didn't think you ever would
i've always thought
you cared for me
inversely proportional
to how i cared
about you
i knew little
i must confess
at every step
in my journey
i was afraid
to be myself
so incongruous
was exhilarating
terrifying
did you know
i have stage fright
hilarious
given my nature
my pull
to attention
there it is
that desire
to be seen
i neglected
so much
when i planned
each step
bit by bit
this time
i claimed five years
i sold them
the price
unfathomable
unknowable
a guess
i gave
some terms and conditions
one page
not legally binding
the way it was in marriage
but binding in other ways
spirit
magic
i do still believe
it had to be this way
i had to be made ready
to make this choice
it took me years to get here
it will take me years to leave
and when i do
i will have changed again
maybe by then
i won't miss the space
five years
i'm three years in
right now
i'm articulating
thoughts i have
things i never
successfully explained
to another being
before this time
some already know
what i know is not
hidden or secret
knowledge locked away
it really is obvious
to those born seeing
i am one
there are so many
like me
trapped
inside
unable to communicate
clearly without
i have to pass through
these experiences
these odd happenings
these times
who will i be
when i set out
into this next phase
maybe it's the looming
completion certificate
the way a date
set well in advance
hangs over me now
that reminds me
of the feeling
of your being
just behind
one desk away
i turn around
expect to see you
where you have been
missing
nearly 20 years away
you should know
it's not always
this intense
often nothing
reminds me
but today
these last few days
from time to time
it happens
that i crave
being that person
maybe it comes down
from the structure
of my days
now that i am back
inside that
standard issue work week
maybe i see my child
approaching the age
i met you in
whatever the reason
i stay stuck
replaying a hazy memory
reliving faded existence
remembering you
as a fantasy
my reality
is as it is
you look so fucking happy
in the smattering
of evidence available
dáng dúun an hl kíl 'láagang
it looks like
more or less